The Secret Rules of Doctrine, Something Needs to Change

In an effort to become a mainstream religion the church of the Fridge will adopt a secret rule book that only the leaders get to read. Of course it is by this rule book that all members will be judged. This is only for the good of the membership of course. How else will we protect our sweet children? For thus saith the Fridge ‘my house is a house of order and guidance must be therein.’ Even common sense testifies that a clean and ordered Fridge is a beauty to behold!

But first a question, how does that make you feel? Is it bothersome that there is a secret book you don’t get to read, and yet it is by that tome you will be judged either worthy or unworthy of eternal rewards? I mean really think about it. I have been for the last week or so on the heels of this latest debacle in regards to my past faith. What happened was they came out with an update to Handbook 1. One of the important things about Handbook 1 is it provides consistent rules for those in local leadership to use to determine the churches actions in regards to a person’s eternal soul.

Remember (like many religions) the LDS faith offers you salvation, well technically you get salvation for free when you dig into the doctrine. They offer you something even better called exaltation. Here’s the two sentence summary. Salvation comes to everyone that made it to earth (meaning before this earth life you sided with Jesus instead of Lucifer in a big war… or argument. (That part isn’t too clear.) Salvation means you get resurrected and live again. If you are a total dick, like murdering and raping or generally being an atheist that puts you in the Telestial category, if you believed in Jesus but thought the Mormons were nuts you get a Terrestrial reward. Both these are just different levels of salvation. If you to be really awesome and get to live with your family forever, you got to be a card carrying, temple going, endure to the end, Mormon. That is how you become exalted. That is the celestial kingdom and Godhood and Goddesshood,1 worlds without end and all sorts of eternal goodness to keep you from getting bored while living forever.

But the point is, the religion offers you something for your obedience to it. You just have to follow the rules and believe in the doctrine it promotes. If you don’t then you are in what is called a state of apostasy. Something that requires you get kicked out and lose rights to all those big promises.

This is where the secret book comes in. One thing you discover when debating religion with the LDS faith is their definition of doctrine is pretty hard to pin down. Especially if you take a rule they come up with and apply it to their own history. Many mormons will tell you that Prophets speak the word of God over the pulpit in conference, but as soon as you point out something awful said by one of them, all of a sudden they were just old dude’s making a mistake. So you ask how do you know it is really doctrine or not? In my own research every possible rule you can use to call something doctrinal seems to be broken to the point you have zero confidence in figuring out what is legit and what isn’t. 2

I realized something this last week though. There is a book where the rubber hits the road. Because when it comes to your membership in this organization and all the blessings it promises. There is a guideline written down (even if the average member isn’t allowed to read it). It is Handbook 1.

So follow me for a moment. If it is important enough to kick you out of the religion and recant all your blessings doesn’t it make sense that is real doctrine? It would have to be right? Sure you can call the actions taken a policy but the actions wouldn’t be needed if a member wasn’t following the doctrine of the faith. This made a lot of sense to me and I applied it to this latest leak on the update to Handbook 1.

As you look at this the severity of punishment meted out helps you realize how important a particular doctrine is. Some really obvious conclusions… Obedience to church leaders is a doctrine! (If you have been through the temple this should come as no surprise, think about the promises you make there.) Teaching doctrine that is contrary to doctrine is bad. Sure would help to have that definition of what constitutes doctrine then wouldn’t it? Or maybe the issue really is doing something after being told not to…. There is that obedience thing again. Not being totally dedicated to the one true church seems to be a reason to seriously question your membership and all those awesome blessing promises.

Then there is that head scratcher number 4. Gay Marriage requires your membership be questioned. Remember kicking you out is what God wants if you aren’t CK material. So it is pretty obvious that gay marriage is contrary to the doctrine of God as far as the Mormon church is concerned. So bad in fact it seems to be ranked worse than forcible rape, attempted murder and sex abuse.

Seriously? Are you supposed to tell a little girl that has been raped that her rapest has a better chance of being an exalted eternal being than her two loving moms?  Such a concept insults every sense of moral fairness a decent human being has. Why must religion do this to us? Why must sticking to dogma require us to justify doctrine that is so caustic it assaults your very soul? I think this is one reason why at the end of my implicit trust in faith and those who claim the special knowledge of the heavens that something changed in me. To be honest I hope to all that is holy in the Fridge, something will change in you too.

Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

I’m through with playing by the rules

Of someone else’s game

Too late for second-guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It’s time to trust my instincts

Close my eyes and leap!
It’s time to try

Defying gravity

I think I’ll try

Defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye

I’m defying gravity

And you won’t bring me down
I’m through accepting limits

‘Cause someone says they’re so

Some things I cannot change

But ’til I try, I’ll never know!

Too long I’ve been afraid of

Losing love I guess I’ve lost

Well, if that’s love

It comes at much too high a cost!
I’d sooner buy

Defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye

I’m defying gravity

I think I’ll try

Defying gravity

And you won’t bring me down
Unlimited (unlimited)

My future is (future is) unlimited (unlimited)

And I’ve just had a vision

Almost like a prophecy

I know it sounds truly crazy

And true, the vision’s hazy

But I swear, someday I’ll be…
Flying so high! (defying gravity)

Kiss me goodbye! (defying gravity)
So if you care to find me

Look to the western sky!

As someone told me lately,

“Everyone deserves the chance to fly!”
I’m defying gravity!

And you won’t bring me down, bring me down, bring me down!

  1. Albeit that doctrine has been a bit down played as of late
  2. If you are a Mormon reading this, please feel free to comment on how you determine something is doctrinal and something isn’t, I’d be happy to point out the contradiction to the rule that caused me to lose confidence in it.
Profet Written by:

Just a guy trying it make the world a better place one ice cube at a time.


  1. Dwight Reid
    November 10, 2015

    Want too see a Mormon in his favorite spot? Ask him one of the golden questions. Ask where the Book of Mormon took place, ask them how to tell when we are hearing the words of God from the president (why dignify the lame bastard with the name prophet?) and when he is speaking as a man.

    By the way, I’m assuming from the time they spend there, that their favorite spot is where their eyes glaze over and they quote random cliches.

  2. Profet
    November 9, 2015

    When your first reaction is that is ridiculous, then after you find out it is true you seek ways to justify it… that is a sign of cognitive dissonance and a clear indication you are justifying things that go against your own morals

  3. Andrew
    November 9, 2015

    I really enjoyed the difference between may be necessary and mandatory church court hilarious.If “God really existed he,she,it would be in stitches over the obvious racism,bigotry and obvious human stupidity at work in all it’s glory(as a note why would a “God” want to deal with a race of beings that can’t function and are at times so hopelessly ignorant it’s sad all in the name of religion it baffles me.)

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